Marriage Is Not Necessary, But, I Still Am Not The One Night Stand Girl
It wasn’t long back I had met Trisha (name changed on request) and soon discovered that our thoughts were very much in sync on many aspects of life which fostered the ease between us. Both of us came from small towns and lived independent lives, both of us had to go through turmoil in terms of heartbreaks, both of us share almost identical views on relationships, marriage, life and parents.
Today, Trisha is settled in UK. Far away from the country she grew up in and also from the family where her heart belongs. It’s been 2 years but the reason for her move? She wanted to permanently dodge constant nagging for getting married. She feels she is not missing out on anything by not getting married.
Why so?“Marriage is not necessary for me. May be it’s not made for everybody. Not that I do not want to get married ever. If I meet someone who really wants to get married to me, I would be fine. But I would prefer living-in with a person whom I might be head over heels with rather than being married to him. My parents would not be very happy with the idea but they are not happy with many other things that I do.” hinted Trisha.
What exactly is the reason behind her staunch viewpoint?“Marriage is an over hyped institution in Indian society” adds Trisha candidly. What annoys her is when the bondage becomes compulsive even when things do not work between the couple. Parents insist to make it work since getting separated would sabotage their image in the society and among relatives. She strongly feels that two people should only commit for marriage if their belief in this institution is absolute, have faith in each other, cannot imagine a different life without each other and are ready to overcome the roadblocks together. It is not a one way thoroughfare. Both partners should be ready to forgive each other and work on problems, when they arise. And just in case nothing helps, better to come out of it rather than making lives difficult for every person involved (family included).
Did she never believe in marriage?“I did. Once upon a time” confesses Trisha. Two instances of heartbreaks and she learnt the truth of life the hard way. First break up took a toll on her mental and physical health both. She took very long time to get out of it and move on. “I wasn’t ready for the second innings but things somehow fell in place. He knew everything about my ex and the way it had broken me”. He was a guy from her office. To keep things under wraps, they moved out of India to work on an on-site project. This time, marriage was almost on cards.
What went wrong then?“His parents wanted to go the astrological way. Our kundalis did not match” Trisha riposted bitterly. In a time when India has reached Mars, people here still believe in matching kundalis. What about the guy? What were his views? He behaved in the most cowardly way a man can ever behave. Not having the courage to stand strong alongside her, he gave in to his parents’ wishes. Got married to a girl of their choice.
Trisha had it once and for all. She was now more adamant in not getting married.
Has she moved on? Certainly she has. And in the most beautiful way. She is at her best and is enjoying her single-hood without craving for love. “I have all the love I need. I love myself. My parents and brothers love me more than life itself. My friends care for me and love me the way I am. I do not need anyone else’s love.” she replies with a broad smile and all twinkle in her eyes.
For her, life is like a season. We need to make it beautiful by exploring every phase by getting out of our comfort zone. Do what we like to do the most and something that makes us genuinely happy. Enjoy life every moment and make them memorable. Do a job that provides immense happiness. Make a bucket list and keep emptying it every now and then. Let’s not fret about future and purely enjoy the present.
After going through all this, does she think she has become more forgiving? She neither believes in revenge nor forgiveness. She is not the forgiving kind and can never forgive someone who had hurt her or her loved ones deliberately. She doesn’t wish to go take revenge on anyone either, for, post revenge, the feeling won’t be as anticipated. “I would rather leave it on time than embroil myself in forgiveness or revenge.”
Doesn’t she fear of leading a lonely life? Sometimes yes. She tends to think that she might have to live a lonely life forever, without any partner. Staying away from family and finding all friends busy with their spouses makes her feel lonely at times. How does she leap out of loneliness then? Running, gymming, trekking, yoga, karate, cooking, traveling solo are her escapes. She manages to get away from that dreading thought by engaging herself in activities that she loves to do. “Like I have been cooking a lot recently and gained a lot of weight. You would not recognize me when I return.” declares Trisha with a loud mirth and adds “On a serious note, this fight with my angst is an ongoing process. I never give them a second thought.”
What is one bizarre thing about her childhood?“I did not like to let the others know about I being brought up in a lower middle class family. So, just to be a part of the conversation among the group of friends who belonged to filthy rich families, I used to lie. I did not want to let myself feel inferior.”
She is, nevertheless, very proud of her family today, though it took her a while to realize that her family’s income, in no way, was the measure of values within the family. She was very well aware of the sacrifices her parents had made to raise their children for which, she immensely loves and respects them. By consciously hiding facts about her family, she felt she was creating a virtual world of lies around her by not accepting the reality, which would, someday prove toxic for her own existence.
To lighten up the otherwise tense mood of our conversation, I ask one last question. Hasn’t she been approached by men off late?“Of course I have” replies Trisha with élan and continues “They are all the same, irrespective of the Indians dwelling here or the firangs, everyone expects me to become physically intimate the second moment we meet. But, I still am not the one night stand girl. I have my middle class values imbibed deeply within. I cannot get intimate with anyone in absence of an iota of emotional connect.”
We laugh it off by exchanging many such examples from each other’s experiences. I am waiting to meet her in flesh when she returns back to India next year.
Trisha’s experiences and her replies leave lot of questions open ended. Why have the bonds of relationships become so fragile? Why is every second person wary of commitments and marriage? Why cannot parents accept their children for who they are? To what extent and till when are Indian parents gonna try and control the fate of their children? We educate our children and teach them to be independent throughout their growing years, but the moment children start spreading their wings, parents turn panicky and suddenly wish to pull the straps tight.
I would love to read your thoughts on this, please leave your comments below and do share the read. And if you wish me to share your untold story here, you may get in touch with me at dipanwiita@gmail.com.
Totally agree with your views here, we are reaching new heights day by day but the one thing that is difficult to change is the mentality of people. Good read.
Thank you Atul. Hope you don’t mind addressing you Atul. 🙂 Yes, the shift in mentality and approaching changes with a receptive mind is necessary as we stride ahead. It might take a long time but I hope it happens a little sooner.
Hey DP! This is a very intense topic, even thought it is a bit generic. But the way the story been depicted is sound!! Nobody knows, till when all these drama by parents and family will continue, as I have known some people around… of my age… ladies who still assures that their kid will be marrying someone who will be at least belonging to same religion or caste. They are not yet planning to be a mother, but this is what they have clear in their mind. May be a more liberal version would want at least their kids marrying an opposite gender. But yes, everyone would yearn to have freedom, and one would achieve it if he or she is clear about their future and determined to what they want.
Hey Tara! Glad to see you here. There is certain amount of hypocrisy which will remain in our society till the end of time may be. I always fail to understand the double standards that people go by. It’s actually not expected out of people belonging to our generation but that’s how it is and we cannot just ignore the reality. Sadly though
Hi dipanwita,
This is amazing! similar to what happened to me.. I think this is the story of majority of women.
And, honestly between all these heartbreaks i forgot to love myself. After, reading this I feel so positive. Deep down I still feel I will get the one I deserve in my life. And, I strongly believe in marriage. I have written this article on marriage. I would be glad if you have a look http://www.trafficism.com/marriage-beautiful-thing-world/
Hey Jaswinder! True that. We often forget to love ourselves in the process of caring for people we love. I too have learnt it after being totally lost in the emotional abyss. Marriage is a beautiful thing to happen. But, one should only get married if one’s belief is absolute. There is a lot that two people need to take care of when bonded in marriage.
Your article was good one. Appreciate your views. 🙂
Heyy Dp… .. Nice topic.
Trisha’s views on marriages were absolutely true. In today’s world “MARRIAGE” has just become a taboo. “You have to get marry otherwise who will take care of you when you grow old. …. Marriages are made in heaven…” gone are the days when grand mama’s used to tell us these silly phrases. Trisha’s BF could have taken the stand and could have married her but he just followed his parents’ choice. Why these cowards even dare to love someone, when they themselves are not sure about their own decisions? I completely agree with your statement – “but the moment children start spreading their wings, parents turn panicky and suddenly wish to pull the straps tight”. Parents should also try to accept the fact and respect their children decision/ views on marriage and let them choose their own life partner rather than depending on the so called Kundali stuffs.
Hey sweetheart! It hurts very much when the person you expect to stand by you changes his sides without being able to voice his / her opinion in the interest of their relationship. Yes, Trisha’s boyfriend could have said atleast something in her support or done something. When I spoke with her, she also mentioned that he should not have gotten into the relationship since he had always been aware of his parents’ opinion in factors they felt were necessary in a marriage. That was really heartbreaking for her.
I hope our kids don’t need to face such situations.
It is great to see some people so sorted in their life. While others learn committing the mistake, these are the people who keep the heartbreak and frustrations a lil away by following what their hear and mind feels is the right thing to do!
Hats off!!
I do not think marriage is over hyped. At the same time, neither a girl nor a boy should give their consent to marriage till they are convinced they are ready. It is not an easy thing. Because most of us are not used to question ourselves, our motivation and let alone withstand social pressure. In most marriages the typical component of love, love that makes the world vanish, love where world turns upside down is missing. Most people adjust and try to tolerate each other. Though most of us will not be blessed with kind of experience of head over heels kind of love, we must still get some understanding of what it takes to get married and stay married.
Very true Abhijit Ji. Staying married is not a cake walk. It takes a great amount of understanding, care, acceptance, and love to water the bond. adjustments too. As long as it is two sided.
I have been talking to a lot of buddies off late and the view regarding marriage is almost parallel for everyone. It might not be over-hyped, but the amount of pressure to get married makes the institution appear that way. But I must also not deny the beauty of the bond.
There are many things in this story which amazed me a). Middle class value omg.. it creeps me from inside. There is nothing like virtue and characters comes with class,when anybody goes for one night stand it’s his or her choice. Sexual Independence is people choice not a virtue of social class or barometer of moral character. B). Moving out of a country is not a solution. Living in London and advocacy for marriage ‘no go’ is not at all go for ‘middle class ‘ solution. See marriage is a beautiful process if it won’t be there then there will be more chaos. Choosing your life partner and having proper understanding between two is needed for the Marriage. Nevertheless you have written it well. I like your writing.
Our choices and actions are always backed with reasons. I absolutely second you on your thought of sexual independence being people’s individual choice and shd not be in accord with social class but that is how people still think.
These are stories from people facing the situations and trying to break the barriers. The lady in the story took the decision of moving out of country to dodge the pressure of getting married but she never mentioned that she doesn’t want to get married. Marriage is a beautiful process indeed but that’s not how everyone thinks of it. And there are reasons behind those thoughts too. Wish you have a great day 🙂
Sujay, As per my understanding of the article, “middle class” here represents the mentality of masses in a particular class.
Middle class people have to juggle with society/money/reputation etc.. where as once you have power of money (rich class) they are lesser dependent on society to accept them and hence have more liberal views. I am in agreement with the narrator when it comes to middle class people being burdened with social norms.
May I please say something here—-class and sexual choice is somewhat connected. If you notice high class –is always the first one to give up ‘any restriction’ not just on sexuality but also ways of dressing, eating, and other things. They are rich and do not need the society. The poor, cannot afford values, because they are usually surrounded by the worst in any society. It is the middle class, middle middle class and lower middle class that has a value of ‘face’ they care–for they still believe that values hold our societies. And yes, this post is well written, even though I see no wrong in arranged marriage. I think and believe we know and we ignore when we meet people, those w ho are weaklings show the signs, but we never care to pay attention and forge a relationship anyway.
What an amazing post! Let me confess that I really like your friend Trisha. She sounds like my best friend, Priyam to a large extent. It was amazing to hear her views. I agree with most of them.
Thanks dear for letting us know about your friend’s views. She is an amazing girl who can inspire millions of girls. I wish her all the best 🙂
Hi Dipanwita ! Beautifully expressed, as always . You write extremely well 🙂 It’s all a matter of perspective and marriage like most things is multifaceted.l have been married for 29 years and still believe myself to be one of the luckiest….touchwood. ! But then ,I have three very close friends who are single, successful,happy and leading absolutely regretfree lives . So,actually it’s each to his or her own ! Marriage can be the most beautiful and enriching experience or it can be hell too ! And it need not be never or must regarding marriage. Only wish people would accept the choices that others make with open minds and without being judgemental.
Totally agree with your views here, we are reaching new heights day by day but the one thing that is difficult to change is the mentality of people. Good read.
Thank you Atul. Hope you don’t mind addressing you Atul. 🙂 Yes, the shift in mentality and approaching changes with a receptive mind is necessary as we stride ahead. It might take a long time but I hope it happens a little sooner.
Thank you for stopping by 🙂
Hey DP! This is a very intense topic, even thought it is a bit generic. But the way the story been depicted is sound!! Nobody knows, till when all these drama by parents and family will continue, as I have known some people around… of my age… ladies who still assures that their kid will be marrying someone who will be at least belonging to same religion or caste. They are not yet planning to be a mother, but this is what they have clear in their mind. May be a more liberal version would want at least their kids marrying an opposite gender. But yes, everyone would yearn to have freedom, and one would achieve it if he or she is clear about their future and determined to what they want.
Hey Tara! Glad to see you here. There is certain amount of hypocrisy which will remain in our society till the end of time may be. I always fail to understand the double standards that people go by. It’s actually not expected out of people belonging to our generation but that’s how it is and we cannot just ignore the reality. Sadly though
Hi dipanwita,
This is amazing! similar to what happened to me.. I think this is the story of majority of women.
And, honestly between all these heartbreaks i forgot to love myself. After, reading this I feel so positive. Deep down I still feel I will get the one I deserve in my life. And, I strongly believe in marriage. I have written this article on marriage. I would be glad if you have a look http://www.trafficism.com/marriage-beautiful-thing-world/
Hey Jaswinder! True that. We often forget to love ourselves in the process of caring for people we love. I too have learnt it after being totally lost in the emotional abyss. Marriage is a beautiful thing to happen. But, one should only get married if one’s belief is absolute. There is a lot that two people need to take care of when bonded in marriage.
Your article was good one. Appreciate your views. 🙂
Heyy Dp… .. Nice topic.
Trisha’s views on marriages were absolutely true. In today’s world “MARRIAGE” has just become a taboo. “You have to get marry otherwise who will take care of you when you grow old. …. Marriages are made in heaven…” gone are the days when grand mama’s used to tell us these silly phrases. Trisha’s BF could have taken the stand and could have married her but he just followed his parents’ choice. Why these cowards even dare to love someone, when they themselves are not sure about their own decisions? I completely agree with your statement – “but the moment children start spreading their wings, parents turn panicky and suddenly wish to pull the straps tight”. Parents should also try to accept the fact and respect their children decision/ views on marriage and let them choose their own life partner rather than depending on the so called Kundali stuffs.
Hey sweetheart! It hurts very much when the person you expect to stand by you changes his sides without being able to voice his / her opinion in the interest of their relationship. Yes, Trisha’s boyfriend could have said atleast something in her support or done something. When I spoke with her, she also mentioned that he should not have gotten into the relationship since he had always been aware of his parents’ opinion in factors they felt were necessary in a marriage. That was really heartbreaking for her.
I hope our kids don’t need to face such situations.
It is great to see some people so sorted in their life. While others learn committing the mistake, these are the people who keep the heartbreak and frustrations a lil away by following what their hear and mind feels is the right thing to do!
Hats off!!
Hey Shaista! Thanks a lot for stopping by. I definitely agree with you. 🙂
I do not think marriage is over hyped. At the same time, neither a girl nor a boy should give their consent to marriage till they are convinced they are ready. It is not an easy thing. Because most of us are not used to question ourselves, our motivation and let alone withstand social pressure. In most marriages the typical component of love, love that makes the world vanish, love where world turns upside down is missing. Most people adjust and try to tolerate each other. Though most of us will not be blessed with kind of experience of head over heels kind of love, we must still get some understanding of what it takes to get married and stay married.
Very true Abhijit Ji. Staying married is not a cake walk. It takes a great amount of understanding, care, acceptance, and love to water the bond. adjustments too. As long as it is two sided.
I have been talking to a lot of buddies off late and the view regarding marriage is almost parallel for everyone. It might not be over-hyped, but the amount of pressure to get married makes the institution appear that way. But I must also not deny the beauty of the bond.
There are many things in this story which amazed me a). Middle class value omg.. it creeps me from inside. There is nothing like virtue and characters comes with class,when anybody goes for one night stand it’s his or her choice. Sexual Independence is people choice not a virtue of social class or barometer of moral character. B). Moving out of a country is not a solution. Living in London and advocacy for marriage ‘no go’ is not at all go for ‘middle class ‘ solution. See marriage is a beautiful process if it won’t be there then there will be more chaos. Choosing your life partner and having proper understanding between two is needed for the Marriage. Nevertheless you have written it well. I like your writing.
Hi Sujay! Thank you for stopping by.
Our choices and actions are always backed with reasons. I absolutely second you on your thought of sexual independence being people’s individual choice and shd not be in accord with social class but that is how people still think.
These are stories from people facing the situations and trying to break the barriers. The lady in the story took the decision of moving out of country to dodge the pressure of getting married but she never mentioned that she doesn’t want to get married. Marriage is a beautiful process indeed but that’s not how everyone thinks of it. And there are reasons behind those thoughts too. Wish you have a great day 🙂
Sujay, As per my understanding of the article, “middle class” here represents the mentality of masses in a particular class.
Middle class people have to juggle with society/money/reputation etc.. where as once you have power of money (rich class) they are lesser dependent on society to accept them and hence have more liberal views. I am in agreement with the narrator when it comes to middle class people being burdened with social norms.
May I please say something here—-class and sexual choice is somewhat connected. If you notice high class –is always the first one to give up ‘any restriction’ not just on sexuality but also ways of dressing, eating, and other things. They are rich and do not need the society. The poor, cannot afford values, because they are usually surrounded by the worst in any society. It is the middle class, middle middle class and lower middle class that has a value of ‘face’ they care–for they still believe that values hold our societies. And yes, this post is well written, even though I see no wrong in arranged marriage. I think and believe we know and we ignore when we meet people, those w ho are weaklings show the signs, but we never care to pay attention and forge a relationship anyway.
What an amazing post! Let me confess that I really like your friend Trisha. She sounds like my best friend, Priyam to a large extent. It was amazing to hear her views. I agree with most of them.
Thanks dear for letting us know about your friend’s views. She is an amazing girl who can inspire millions of girls. I wish her all the best 🙂
Hey Purba! Yes, she indeed is a very inspiring person. The way she has moved on in her life being headstrong is really commendable.
Thanks dear 🙂
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Hi Dipanwita ! Beautifully expressed, as always . You write extremely well 🙂 It’s all a matter of perspective and marriage like most things is multifaceted.l have been married for 29 years and still believe myself to be one of the luckiest….touchwood. ! But then ,I have three very close friends who are single, successful,happy and leading absolutely regretfree lives . So,actually it’s each to his or her own ! Marriage can be the most beautiful and enriching experience or it can be hell too ! And it need not be never or must regarding marriage. Only wish people would accept the choices that others make with open minds and without being judgemental.